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Carter King
Carter King

We Have Great Sex \/\/FREE\\\\

But whether you're in a new relationship, or well beyond the honeymoon stage of a long-term romance, or you're single and ready to mingle, there are some easy ways to know that you've got a pretty great sex life already.

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In a world where the cultural ideals of beauty are painfully narrow (for all genders), feeling comfortable in your own skin can feel like a seriously tall order. But when you have a positive body image and you feel good about yourself, you'll get more enjoyment out of your sexual encounters.

Feeling confident is an important, but often challenging, part of having a healthy sex life. As sex therapist Jane Greer, PhD, told Women's Health in 2016, "Both of you have a good sense of your sexual esteem and feel attractive and desirable. Even if you miss a week, or one of you isn't in the mood, it doesn't define your entire intimate life. As a result, neither of you take these moods personally. The key to maintaining this confidence is staying proactive in expressing (and acting upon) your desires to sexually connect with your partner."

But if you're generally having mindful sex, you're probably getting plenty of enjoyment out of the experience. As Psychology Today notes, "Mindful sex is when you're totally and completely immersed in the physical sensations of your body."However, "Mindful sex doesn't mean you'll never have distracting thoughts ... It means that you're able to let these distracting thoughts go without getting stuck on them."

As Ava Cadell, PhD and author of NeuroLoveology told Women's Health, "Making your partner feel like number one is key to a healthy sex life (even if you have kids). Make sex a priority by scheduling a sex date once a week. When couples do this, it's a sign that they want to please each other."Yes, scheduling sex feels like it could be the least sexiest way to get it on, but it actually works: Experts agree that scheduling sex helps you get in the mood, knowing that you've made the time in advance to get a little bit frisky with your SO.

But even if you only have time to schedule an early morning quickie or a lazy Sunday afternoon sex session, when you make the time regularly to be with your partner one-on-one, you'll enjoy the benefits when you're not between the sheets.

Zeising told Prevention, "It's important to have realistic ideas about what a healthy sex life is. If you accept there's no right or wrong way to be sexual, and you and your partner are open with each other about when you're feeling it and when you aren't, then you will have a healthy sex life."

Yes, it's definitely important to focus on your needs and your partner's needs when it comes to sex, but sometimes knowing that you have a good sex life comes from the way you feel outside the bedroom.

Relationship expert Lori Bizzoco told Bustle, "The truth is, sex relaxes you, so if you find that you are happier, lighter on your feet and have less stress over the small things, you probably have a good sex life."

It may sound like a mood killer. But researchers at the University of Toronto found that couples who believe that hard work and effort, not finding a soulmate, is the key to a great sex life enjoyed a happier intimate relationship.

Many people have trouble quieting their minds and focusing during sex. This may be particularly challenging for autistic people, because their minds are working overtime to process a lot of information all at once, said Megrew.

[00:00:53] Chris Duffy: What started as a passion project while they were still in university has now exploded into articles, workshops, a podcast, a TED Talk, and so much more. But at its core, HOLAAfrica is a place where African women and queer people have a safe space to talk about sex in a way that's positive and not just centered on trauma or shame or sadness, and also not centered on the often repressive ideas about love and pleasure that have historically been promoted by the Western world.

[00:01:52] Siphumeze Khundayi: So when you allow someone to see you butt naked, do you ever think about how the ideas that you internally have will affect whether you will like them tickling your elbow or kissing your thigh, or shouting out the name of a chosen deity?

And also we didn't censor, like what type of writing. All we said was it has to be positive. You cannot put down another human being in your expression of self, that's all. So even if you are not that great at writing, we would edit your work. We'd sit down and would edit you and make sure that you are coming across as the way that you want to come across.

[00:07:11] Chris Duffy: Yeah, I'd like to get a little bit deeper into that, into the, the idea of context and geographical context, because you know, one thing I noticed in your podcast, you ask that the question can be anonymous; we don't have to know who it is, but you need to know where they're from, because as you say in the podcast, geographical context is really important. That's so crucial for giving this advice.

[00:08:43] Siphumeze Khundayi:Tiff is speaking about an experience that we had in Nigeria where people struggle to speak about the positivity of their sex, struggle to speak about how, what do they find attractive about each other, you know, and what they like, how they like to be touched, how they like to be spoken to by their partners because of this other violent narrative that they have to carry in their everyday life.

But then constantly being told that sex is not something that we talk about, and we also don't have the language because think about the first time, like a parent says the word penis or vagina in front of their child. Like to this day, my mother knowing my job, knowing the books that I have written, the work that I've done cannot stand it when I say vagina. Like, so when you grow up in that context, you, you, you can't talk about something you don't have the tools to talk about right?

[00:12:00] Siphumeze Khundayi: Then now you're also attaching the sexuality that you are ashamed of to another person, and now you guys have to match. And yeah, there's a lot of policing around sex.

[00:12:28] Chris Duffy: And we are back. Okay, so we've already been talking a bit about some of the ways that society and strict religious interpretations have put all sorts of restrictive ideas about sex into our heads. For many people, it can feel like there's rarely ever a time where we can actually openly speak about sex.

[00:12:54] Siphumeze Khundayi: Now it all seems pretty morbid that culture and society have failed us in our quest for coitus, but this is not the case. There are things that the past can teach us to help us upgrade the present.

So I think for me, sexual health is everyone being free to decide what kind of sex they want, or whether they even want to have sex without outside judgment, without anybody coming in to force their own opinions onto your sex.

[00:20:44] Tiffany Mugo: No, me and my friend were joking that when you're sex positive, you have to, number one, be kind of sexy, right? Like we were joking and then we were like also all of us in my like sex positive work squad, we all pole dance. It was just like, what are we all doing? How did we all end up pole dancing guys? Like we love it, but like guys, we can't all pole dancing.

Have a little bit of a touch here and there, and see what it is that you enjoy without anybody else's opinion, because at the end of the day, your sex is yours and, and I think where the world fails is trying to have an opinion on somebody else's sexual experience. No one can tell you what your sexual experience is but you, and you cannot discover it by reading, by doing all of these things.

You can do those things, they are helpful, but you have to start by connecting with yourself. What do you enjoy in your body? If you are comfortable in your body or not? How do I get comfortable in my body? What are the things that I'm uncomfortable with? Okay, then how do I get comfortable with the things that I'm uncomfortable with? Now, how do I make these things pleasurable for myself? You know, starting with that. But it is a self-discovery process. It is not a joint, it is not a group process. It's not any of those things.

[00:23:21] Siphumeze Khundayi: It's also okay to not be in a good space sexually. I think we also put so much pressure on ourselves. We need to fix the problem, but sometimes you just sit in the problem and allow it its time, you know? So you don't have to, If you feel like you're in a sexual rat, don't try and fix it too quickly, like understand that there is something that needs that, that needs to be processed, and allow yourself that time to process.

You don't have to be okay with sex. You don't have to have sex all the time. You can go years without it and find whatever it is in yourself, then you can start coming back to it. So yes, we're giving advice on how to fix the problem, but you also don't have to force yourself to fix the problem.

There's something inside me that, like, shut down and I, and I come from a job where I have the tools to build myself up instantly. So the fact that to this like day, months later, I'm still like having glitchy moments? Kindness, my people. Figure it out, how to say things kindly.

[00:25:41] Chris Duffy: We really are at our most vulnerable, right? We're, we're literally exposed, but we're also figuratively exposed. It's hard to, to have a conversation where you know that you might hurt another person, and it's really hard to have a conversation where you know that you might get hurt.

So even as you are writing down your thoughts, understanding that, okay, cool, ego aside, what am I trying to build with this human being here? What sort of experience do I want to have with this human being? Because it's also gonna be so different with each person that you have sex with. And even if you think you're confident and you know exactly what you're doing with the next person, you're not gonna know because it's a new body. And you're understanding very new things. And so you have to learn what they like. What you like and what somebody else that you've had sex with before liked isn't going to be the same thing. Most of the time it's not gonna be the same thing. So you have to relearn. You have to start from scratch every single time. So it's important to put that ego aside when you're dealing with sex and talking to a partner about it.


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